To whom it may concern

Date: December 18th, 2017, 09:43 pm

Years and years have passed as I’ve grown older, bumped my head several times, miserably tumbled down, forgot where I was or where I wanted to go upon landing head first onto the ground. And after every fall there was always the moment of silence, the self reflection spent in the space between seconds – untill I finally concluded that this was not the end, and I used all my strength to lift my body off of the ground and continue walking.

The solid mistakes and the ugly scars they left – knowing they would never fully disappear. Knowing I would never be the same again. Crawling back up became harder everytime. I could feel the distance growing bigger – the distance between me and the others. And everyone became like a stranger, while I was just an observer with no active role in anyones life, like a meaningless object. All I would do is merely exist. And I would shift from existing, to barely existing, to not existing at all. As I kept wondering what it would mean to be alive. I couldn’t even remember what that felt like.

And I have felt so terribly alone. I wanted to scream and cry, in need of a hand reaching out to me whilst fighting this silent battle. I needed help so badly but no one could offer it – neither could I fix it on my own. So I was left clueless, without any answers, mumbling to myself, every single day, I wanted the words to somehow resonate. I wanted to feel understood – but it never happened. So I curled up in my bed and made myself as small as possible, as the void in my room grew larger everyday, and I cried and cried and cried.

And I tried writing, and googling for answers, I tried fucking therapy. None of them would make me feel any better, instead they rendered me confused, let down and miserable, as yet another attempt had failed. Yet another push down into the mud. None of them would fill the void. And I wondered if it would always be like this – running from one place to another in an attempt to tip the scales. I refuse to live my life that way. And I don’t want to stay here. But I will be stuck in this place as long as I don’t know how to get out.

To whom it may concern:
I feel used up, disarmed and depleted.
I feel non-existent and in need of a way out.
And I know it can’t continue this way.
Like how every minute stretches out and lasts an eternity.
And I don’t want to spend another second in it.
Yet I feel powerless to turn it around.

Something.
Has.
To.
Change.